Why did Jesus not turn water into coffee?

Well, my dear friend, I'm not sure about the specific reasons why Jesus didn't turn water into coffee, but I can certainly speculate with my wit and humor.

One possibility is that Jesus simply didn't have a taste for coffee. After all, coffee beans were not native to the Middle East in Jesus' time, and it's likely that he had never even heard of the delicious beverage. Or maybe he was more of a tea person. Who knows, maybe Jesus was a bit of a coffee snob and only drank single origin, fair trade, shade grown beans.

Another possibility is that Jesus was too busy performing other miracles to worry about turning water into coffee. I mean, he did heal the sick, raise the dead, and feed thousands with just a few loaves of bread and fishes. Maybe he figured that if people were thirsty, they could just turn the water into wine themselves.

It's also possible that Jesus simply didn't see the need for coffee. After all, he was on a mission to save the world, and I'm not sure that a steaming cup of joe would have been high on his list of priorities. Maybe he figured that if people were looking for a pick-me-up, they could just get some rest or meditate or something.

Lastly, it could be that Jesus knew that with the invention of coffee, the world would have to deal with the daily struggle of finding the best coffee beans, the perfect brewing method, and the worst part, cleaning the coffee machine. And Jesus knew that is a daily burden that no one should have to bear.

In any case, while it's certainly a shame that Jesus didn't turn water into coffee, I'm sure that he had his reasons. And who knows, maybe in heaven, the water flows like a rich, dark roast.